why does that keep happening?

You may not know, but I have an awful habit, that seems to be completely beyond my control.
Every now and then I will imagine a situation that would crush me mentally and/or emotionally and end up almost, or straight-up, full-fledged feeling the emotions that I may/would feel if such a situation occured.
The most awful thing is that it happens without warning and beyond my control, expecially when I actually feel happy with certain elements of the status quo.

Just a few minutes ago I imagined two things.

The first: it’s evening, I come back home, head down. As I step through the corridor in my apartment I take off the ring (I have a ring I wear whenever I’m in a relationship) and ask my mother: “Will you keep it?” I turn my head slightly to see her nod and place the ring on the top of a bookshelf. I then turn around, go to my room, close the door behind me, take off my shirt, drop to the bed and cry.

The second was simply Sky letting go of my hand and walking away.

And now I feel the itch, the thick, black, heavy goo in my heart, pulling me down. I don’t want it, I despise it, but I can’t help it.

I can only hope that if she writes me today it will go all away, because if it doesn’t I may spill my seemingly-selfinduced depression over any message to her, and I don’t want that. Fuck, I don’t want that.

It appears somebody found this blog today by googling “she says “we understand each other very”, yet I don’t see it in the results if I google it. Strange. Are you here stranger? What where you searching for? Was this blog you goal (doubt it)? If I may ask of course. If you see this at all.

It seems to be going away now. That’s good. Perhaps I’ll be able to channel it into something more positive.

I like you

[music playing: Elephant Parade - For you]

Sky just sent that to me. It just… touched my heart, it says everything in this 1:38 of time.
She said it says everything she would like to say, and I myself feel exactly the same.
For a moment I thought I’d cry, but it didn’t happen. I don’t like crying on any occasion, but at this moment I probably wouldn’t mind doing it.

I wanted to post something about how well we’re doing together, how She’s becoming more and more open towards me, how Her hugs are becoming more confident, how She holds my hand so firmly as opposed to the first week, let’s say. Something about how I keep learning more about Her, how good I feel when holding Her in my arms, how happy I get when I see her, or even just think about her. How I’m smiling so much often recently.

But now I’m just feeling this warmth in my heart. The song is on repeat  and probably will be like that until I manage to upload it to may mp3 player. Oh, I just managed to do that :)

The jungle drum

So we finally didn’t see Tim Burton’s Alice with Sky – the cinema in my town got only the polish-dubbed version, which certainly is not worthy of spending your money on, so we skipped that. We DID however see “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” yesterday in a movie club and it was amazing. It’s a movie that leaves you literally speechless, we couldn’t even talk about it, we couldn’t utter a cohesive statement on it, a part from some generalizations.

The movie ended around 8pm and Sky would be picked up in an hour and a half, so after a short walk in a chilly evening we decided to go to a pub (called “Belfast”, my usual going place and the usual going place for our group in general). We had a bit of a chat, interrupted by those prolonged “looks into the eyes” and however cheesy that might have seemed, I loved it.

Now I knew before I even left the house, that this was the night that I was to “man the fuck up” as one might say and, as I like to put it, make her mine and become hers.

The beer was gone. Another long look into her eyes… god, she has gorgeous eyes… I breathe in, but no words come out, we both laugh, I say something about wanting to say something but not finding the words… I find a way in my mind, my heart is beating like a jungle drum (to quote Emiliana Torrini, also it’s beating like that even now, when I as much as reminisce this scene) and I inhale again and say: “How much insolence could you tolerate?” She answered: “It depends.” So I reached for her chin, pulled her to myself and kissed her.
A long, passionate kiss, I missed this feeling like HELL and it was this gorgeous, introvert art-geek with a clear blue sky sealed in her eyes in my arms. It was set.

She kind of keeps Her distance right now, but I certainly understand it. We probably both need a bit of time to accustom to the new situation, I don’t even know She ever had anyone before me and this too may be a factor contributing to the time She needs to open up and develop a sort of trust between us.
Yes, time is what we need. What makes me especially happy, is that when I asked Her if She is aware, that I have no idea what will come out of all this, She said She is certainly not going to think about it now, so I guess we share the “see what will come and embrace it” attitude on the matter.
Time will tell and I’m ready to embrace whatever will come.

On a totally unrelated side-note, I started a bit of vlogging recently here.

Let’s rock.

WTF, are we in high school or something?

[Music playing: Marilyn Manson - Evidence (album - Eat Me, Drink Me)]

This particuar thought came to my head after we spent time in a boring grammar class a few days ago by sending stupid messages on little pieces of paper to each other.

But there is also something else.

I took Sky to a chocolate shop and it was… awkward. We did have a very nice chat but it was far too often interrupted by quite the amounts of awkward silence. There were two or three topics that be both went on, but all the other stuff ended after two or three sentences. To be honest, I think I was the one bringing up new topics, ultimately failing :P
I walked her then to the place where her sister was waiting to pick her up and I asked if she wanted to repeat something like this and she answered: “Yes”, with no hesitation at all. I was confused as hell after that, but recently, when we got back to college (yep, I reached the conclusion that my “school” is a college) she seems to be sending me discreet looks, straight into the eyes… Goddamn she has beautiful eyes…

Therefore, I now feel like I’m having a high school crush. It’s funny and it’a actually is kind of fun :) As stated before, I have absolutely NOTHING to lose, so I’m still into going for it. Next thursday me and my theater group are having a premiere (Sky’s invited of course), but I don’t think I’ll be able to hang out with her after that. However, a week after that, Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” should come to our cinemas, so I’ll be damned if I don’t take here to it.

Let’s rock!

I can’t even figure out a title

[Music playing: Deathstars (album - Termination Bliss)]

Oh crap, I’m confused as HELL right now. So let’s start from the beginnig

As you may/should already know, since October I’ve been studying english philology in my hometown. In my group there is a girl, which I shall call now Sky (you will later learn why). She is gorgeous, though one may not notice that at first. That’s because she’s a very silent person, perhaps even shy. I find her attractive and intriguing since the day I met her. Also, in the conversations we had she proved to be an intelligent and interesting girl, though I still don’t know that much about her. I actually probably know less about her than about almost anyone in my group.

So here comes the catch. On the last friday evening, me and a couple of other people from the group (including Sky) went out to a pub to have some beer and talk. Yada, yada, one beer, second, third. Fun in general. Had the occasion to talk to here more – great. And then, around the half of our third beer, we were looking each other in the eyes almost every time we lifted the glass – and we did it simultaneously each time. That’s where I got her nickname from, her eyes look like the beautifull, summer sky. I managed to give her a compliment in the meantime. Then we got out of the pub, accompanied by two friends and we waited for her sister to pick her up. It was cold as fuck, so I suggested that we all hug each other to keep warm. We did that. And the longer we waited, the tighter her hug on me became. Also, being the hairy bastard I am now (as you can see here), Sky discovered that my beard is perfect for warming her cheeks and lips. And when she hugged on to me, she purred.

Her sister arrived, I walked Sky to her car, we said goodbye. We exchanged text messages throughout the next day about random stuff, like doing the cleaning, being hungover and plans on doing nothing for the rest of the day.

And then I couldn’t sleep until 5 am that night, possibly because I could not get her out of my mind.

This may mean that I am in love, or at least heavily bewildered by her.

“I’m reaching up and reaching out. I’m reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
what ever will bewilder me.” (Tool – “Lateralus”)

Even if I’m mistaken about the meaning of all this, I don’t think I have anything to lose.
I think I should reach for this.
At least try.

The point is I’m not really sure how to, as I never actually “picked up” a girl. I was the object of picking, if you will, both the times I got into a relationship.

So, as I have seemingly nothing to lose, I guess it’s a good idea to go for it.

Ooph. This helped. Now I know why blogging is great. Helps organize all thoughts. I love you blog :P

LET’S GET OUT THERE AND REACH OUT!
;)

school naming issue

Goddamnit. The school I’m attending now seems to be neither a Uni, neither a college… although… I guess it’s more like a college… well the issue exists only in English, really. I gotta ask someone.

what’s up?

Well, not much. Still studying, playing games, trying to push forward a World of Darkness (2.0) chronicle. I will conclude this case my “paranormal CIA” players are working on and I will be proceedeing to their transformations, most probably into vampires.

I feed my narcisissm here since some time.

I also had a great, geeky New Years Eve at Kona’s place. We played a board game (Dance Dance Revolution wouldn’t run :/), we watched a Star Trek movie (First Contact I think), we watched Galaxy Quest (an awsome Star Trek parody) and an hour of the Battlestar Galactica pilot episode. Me and to others had to leave by then. Unfortunatly I didn’t manage to get in the bus I wanted (it was FULL OF PEOPLE and the driver refused to take us in, but I understand him, there was no physical way of doing it), so because it was New Year and most of the buses were cancelled I had to wait an hour and a half for the next one.

On the funny side, a dude from my college asked me today if I meditate. I was all like WTF and said “No, I haven’t tried that yet. Why?” He then told me that I look like I would meditate :O WTF was that supposed to mean, I have no idea :P perhaps it’s the beard (haven’t shaved since the beginning of December).